10 mindsets to radically improve your parenting

Toolbox Tuesday: Better parenting starts with different ways of thinking.

All parents want to be successful and raise kids to be happy and contributing members of our community.

But good intentions aren’t enough.

Often there is little difference between parents in terms of skills, knowledge and understanding of kids. 

The biggest difference between parents is due to mindsets.

How you automatically think about parenting, your kids and the many situations that arise directly effects the response you make.

Mindsets and behaviour are intertwined.

How you behave and respond to your child, particularly, when you’re under stress will be largely determined by your mindset, or default mode of thinking.

Mindsets can help or hinder your parenting effectiveness and your relationship with your child.

Here are 10 positive mindsets that contribute to, rather than hinder, parenting success:

1. Believe in your child

This is easy if you have an early maturer, a child who has talents you value or one who easily achieves anything he or she puts his mind too.

But it’s a different story if you have a child who struggles at school and to make friends, or just has a different interest to you.

Your belief in your child’s abilities is revealed through your expectations, your body language, and the words you use.

Even the look on your face counts.

Remember how you reacted when your young child was learning to walk. You most likely exuded encouragement, your belief that they could do it was so strong.

2. Look for the best

What you focus on expands so if all you see in a child is misbehaviour, weakness and poor performance then you’ll get more of those things.

Guaranteed!

Set you antennae for children’s strengths, abilities and social behaviours and you’ll invariably get more of those.

I’m not suggesting that you ignore bad behaviour or poor performance. This needs to be dealt with so kids can improve.

But few kids improve in any sphere if the people in their lives focus only on the mistakes and failures.

3. Think long term

If you want your child to become independent then you simply can’t do everything for them, put off important conversations because they’re too hard, or give in to your child (when you know you shouldn’t) as the path of least resistance.

You may achieve peace, avoid arguments and get things done in the short term, but in the long term you will reap what you sow.

That is, kids who are dependent on you.

Kids who won’t communicate with you.

Kids who dig their heals in when you want cooperation because they know you’ll give in eventually.

Better to garner a long-term mindset and respond accordingly (take a breath, step away and take a moment) rather than reacting emotionally as invariably happens when we think short-term.

The long-term space is where the parenting game is won.

4. Be brave

Parents of large families invariably give their later born children more freedom than they gave their first borns.

They’re stricter with first borns than any other child.

By their third or fourth child they’ve worked out what’s worth worrying about and what’s not.

If you are parent of a small family (one or two kids) you need courage to give kids real freedom and independence. Even more so if you have a child who likes to learn from experience, rather than be told by well-meaning adults.

These heuristic learners will often mess up and need you to rescue them. That’s the price you pay for developing agency in kids.

5. Think family

Successful parents find a way to lead their family in a single direction.

To do this you must think in terms of parenting ‘the gang’ rather than individual children.

Rituals such as mealtime and traditions such the way you celebrate birthdays are the building blocks upon which you build a close, connected family.

Rather than thinking “What’s best for my child?” think “What’s best for the family?”

6. Welcome challenges

There are always challenges raising kids. It’s important to embrace these challenges whether due to poor behaviour, their struggles at school or a tricky transition to puberty.

It’s these challenges that will make you a better parent.

Rather than wish for things to be easier, wish to be better so you can to meet these challenges.

Parenting is the ultimate personal growth activity, but not everyone grows through their parenting. Personal growth is down to mindset.

7. Build your community

Parents don’t raise kids well in isolation yet there is often a reluctance to share the parenting with others.

Successful parents know they haven’t all the answers so they build a community of support and expertise around them.

Build your parenting network starting with family and friends, your children’s teachers and carers and professionals such as psychologist should the need arise.

8. Trust the process

Sometimes the desire to want the very best for a child can lead to parental interference at school, pre school, child care or even with their grandparents.

The wish for kids to be cared for or taught in a certain shows lack of faith in kids’ abilities to handle different people and situations. It also hampers their flexibility, which is a valuable resilience trait.

Better to trust the process and allow people to educate, care for and look after your child in their own way.

Of course, if kids are really struggling or their safety is at risk, jump right in and come to your child’s aid.

9. Adversity builds character

It’s natural to want life to be easy for our children, but sometimes in an effort to ensure their happiness, we smooth things over for them. 

It is through the many small hardships that kids experience that they build the persistence and resilience necessary to for continued success.

Yep, toddlers fall and fall again before they master the art of walking. It’s through trial and error and plenty of tumbles that they gain the skills and confidence to walk.

The same principal applies to most of the significant developmental moments in a child’s life so we need to applaud their efforts, marvel at their improvements and congratulate them on achieving mastery whether it be related to their physical, academic or emotional lives.

10. This too shall pass

The hardest part of parenting is supporting kids when life doesn’t go their way.

There is plenty of research that suggests that kids benefit from a positive parenting style that gets the balance right between protecting, teaching and nurturing kids when life gets hard.

This starts with the mindset that “This hardship too shall pass.” All things get better in time.

A final word…. or two

The mindset your take into parenting is a powerful predictor of your parenting success and satisfaction.

The mindsets above are positive and aspirational. Both are powerful concepts to model for you child.

Conscious modelling….now that’s a topic for another Parenting Toolbox.

Thanks for reading. I’d really appreciate your thoughts about this article, in particular the mindsets that you believe drive parenting success.

Feel free to share this article, or repost it with a comment. That’s the best way right now to show your appreciation and share positive parenting messages around. Many thanks in advance (yep, that’s a little cheeky!!)