A Practical Guide to Encouragement: the Swiss Army Knife of Parenting
This versatile parenting tool builds competence, confidence and character in kids.
Hello readers,
This special newsletter, focusing on encouragement—one of the most essential tools in a parent’s toolbox—includes a section expecially for fathers. Something a little different, but important.
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Encouragement is one of the best tools to have in your parenting toolbox.
It builds confidence, competence and courage in kids.
Each element supports the other, paving the way for kids’ growth, development and learning.
It derives from the French term coure’, meaning ‘to give heart’.
Now, that’s got to be the most wonderful, influential skill to have, whether you’re an employer, coach, friend, or parent. It’s also versatile, as it can be used with perfectionists, low-risk takers, deeply discouraged kids, and more.
Encouragement takes many forms, such as:
Cheering a friend on at the end of a fun run
Boosting a family member when they’re having a bad day
Putting your arms around your teenager when they’re disappointed with exam results
Lighting up your face when a young child begins to walk
These are all instinctive, spur-of-the-moment, encouraging acts that everyone can relate to.
But how do you give heart to a child or teen who really needs it.
When they’re really struggling, when life sucks, or worse, they think they suck. When they don’t try because they want to avoid failure.
Here’s the thing: It’s often hardest to encourage kids who need it the most. They can make us feel discouraged, too.
Here’s how to ensure you use encouragement effectively to make a lasting difference to those who receive it—whether it's your child, a family member, a work colleague, or a friend.
1. Keep it real
There’s a recent trend to heap praise on kids just for standing and drawing breath! We do kids a disservice when our praise becomes like a nervous tic!
We don’t genuinely support kids when we praise them just for the basics of life. It’s pointless.
Make sure your encouragement is meaningful. Give it when kids really need it – when they’re self-belief is lagging; when they think they can’t succeed; when they’ve lost a game for the umpteenth time in a row.
Expert tip: One way to keep it real is to use specific, descriptive language. “That was brilliant, the way you did your homework straight after school. I can see you’re really thinking about it. Keep up the good efforts.”
2. Choose the right time
Timing is everything with communication. And yes, encouragement is a form of communication, albeit a very significant form.
Wait until an angry child has calmed down before you offer your encouragement.
Help them calm down. Cuddle them if you can. The same goes with an angry teen, but maybe hold off on the cuddles. Then again, maybe not.
It’s pointless encouraging kids when their emotions are high. They won’t take your messages on board.
Expert tip: Wait until their shoulders slump, which is a sign that they’re ready to listen.
3. Focus on ICE
You’ve probably noticed I’ve avoided (mostly) using the term ‘praise’. That’s because praise and encouragement are diametrically different.
Praise focuses on the results (good marks, a big score, winning a game) of what a child does, and encouragement focuses on the process.
That’s a big difference. Rather than praise the results, which keeps kids reliant on the approval of others for their self-esteem, focus on these three processes:
Improvement: “You’re getting better at….”
Contribution: “Yep, you’re becoming a valuable member of the team.”
Effort: “Yowsers! If you try any harder, you’ll burst a fupher valve.”
The theory goes something like this: Focus on the processes (encouragement), and the results will invariably come.
My life experience backs this up 100%. I hope your life experiences support this as well.
A caveat: I’ve worked with some parents who have had very few encouragers in their lives, so they can’t relate to encouragement in any way, shape, or form. If you can relate to this, seek out encouraging people and watch how they go about it.
4. Say it like you mean it.
Here’s a little trick to try.
Say the following with your palms out, facing down, “Wow! That was such a good effort!”
How did you go? My guess is you sounded a little flat. Unenthusiastic!
Now offer the exact words of encouragement with your palms out, facing upwards.
Notice any difference? If not, repeat the process.
Hopefully, you were more animated with your palms up.
The point?
You can say “Well done, you!” all you like, but your facial expression and body language offer the real encouragement. Palms ignites your relational side, and that makes all the difference.
Expert tip: Become animated when you encourage so the message sinks in.
5. Add a little touch for emphasis
Parents of neurodiverse children will know that a gentle touch on their child’s arm while they talk, dramatically increases the likelihood that the message will be taken on board.
The same principle applies to encouragement delivered to any child or teen.
Touch amplifies the message, so don’t be afraid to put your hand on your child’s shoulder, arm or hand while offering your gems of encouragement.
NB: The above applies only if your child is comfortable with this type of physical contact.
6. Keep the ‘buts’ to yourself
There’s nothing like an encouraging comment delivered by a parent with a caveat attached to burst a child’s bubble.
“You tried really hard at school this year…but imagine what you could have achieved if you were more consistent with your homework!”
Yowsers! That “well done …..but” kills the mood and the effect!
The words after ‘but’ are the only ones that count.
Let the encouragement do its thing and save the ‘buts’ and the accompanying messages for another time.
7. Keep it short
Don’t rave. Deliver your encouraging message…with enthusiasm…like you really mean it because you should….with no buts.
And move on.
A final word….or two
Everyone needs encouragement. No one is immune to experiencing disappointment or struggling to succeed.
Everyone needs an injection of genuine hope and belief from a friend or family member.
That’s why encouragement is one of the most important and verstaile tools in your parenting toolbox. You can use to boost confidence, persistence and effort.
It’s a genuine life skill that you can pass on to your kids.
It also becomes part of your family culture, which is an article for another day.
An Extra Dash for Dads
Many fathers struggle to encourage their sons, expecially their eldest boys.
They may offer lip service to encouragement, but too often their words aren’t supported by genuine belief.
“Not (or never) good enough” is the default response for many dads when faced with their son’s efforts.
No matter how hard their son tries.
And most sons want their dad’s approval.
No, they yearn for it.
Yet some men hold back their approval. They make it conditional on meeting their expectations.
It’s almost as if giving approval to them might somehow mean they are endorsing their behaviour or performance.
Men’s expectations can be too high for their sons. Many dads forget what it was like to be a boy. They forget how long it took them to grow up and achieve mastery in any area.
Sadly, many fathers forget that it takes longer to ‘grow’ a boy than it does a girl.
And isn’t it different when it comes to our daughters?
We are more accepting. More able to encourage and give them the boost they need.
Why the difference?
A couple of theories. One is that many fathers simply repeat how they were parented. Their dads were tough on them, so they passed the same discipline to their sons, even though they swore they’d be different.
Another theory is related to the Generative Fathering theory, which I’m a fan of.
That is, fathers are tough on their sons because they want the next generation to survive and thrive without them.
And they can only do so if they are capable. It’s a survival of the fittest thing. So their dads push and push and …..you know the rest.
There’s a lot of truth to this! That may have been a suitable method in an age long-gone, but it’s hardly acceptable in the 21st Century.
We need to do better.
Regardless of the theory, we need to do better by our sons, who want their father’s approval and encouragement. Neither should be withheld because they don’t meet our expectations.
Our sons are not put on this earth to please us or live our dreams. We do want to be proud of our sons. But that only happens when they make their own way in the world and forge their own path.
In the meantime, be a dad who is quick to encourage and slow to criticise.
A dad who shares his knowledge but not his judgment.
A dad who is mightily impressed by his son’s humanity and less so by his deeds.
A dad who favours relationships over rules and remembers how hard it is for a boy to make his way in the world.
