Master the art of winning cooperation in 2026.
Parenting shouldn't be hard. Make parenting easier with these winning methods.
Got an oppositional, strong-willed or power-hungry child in your family who loves to have their own way?
The chances are high.
Power-hungry kids are more common than we think.
Anecdotally, one in three children dislikes being told what to do. They value control, so they will fight you all the way to bed/school/homework, or whatever.
The circumstances may change, but their intent is the same - to let you know that you can’t make them do anything…or they’ll do it but in their own sweet time and way!
‘You can’t make me’ is their call-sign.
Frustrating? Yes.
Infuriating? You bet.
Impossible to manage? No way.
Here are six different ways to manage challenging encounters without losing your cool while maintaining a positive relationship with your child.
Each method employs the language of cooperation instead of coercion, which may require a shift in thinking for parents accustomed to Command and Control discipline.
Each must be delivered in a calm, neutral cop mode to be effective.
No sarcasm. No bulging jaw. No eye-balling.
Just calm, zen-like nonchalance.
And yes, they’ve been road-tested in some pretty tough situations.
Here we go:
1. Use Questions to Disarm
Commands are fuel for argumentative kids. Questions are their kryptonite.
“Go to bed.”
“No!”
“Go!”
“No!”
You’re in a power struggle, and you’ll lose. Even when you win (the argument), you lose (you got in a fight you didn't want).
Versus a question.
“It’s time for bed.”
“I’m not going.”
“Why do you think it’s okay to stay up late?”
Questions disarm oppositional kids.
They take the argument away from them, forcing them to think rather than fight you.
Expert tip: Use questions that encourage children to think. Avoid questions that only require a simple Yes or No answer, as they can lead to frustration on your part.
2. Tell Them What You’ll Do….Then Do It
“It’s bedtime, and I’ll start your story in five minutes.”
“I don’t want to go to bed.”
Silence.
Move away.
Start to read the story.
Avoid the power struggle and focus on your actions, not theirs.
Remove the chance to resist.
Change your focus from what they should do to what you will do.
It’s magic what a change in focus will do.
Practise in non-stress situations.
Expert tip: Develop the habit of telling kids what you’ll do so it becomes second nature. Instead of, “Come and eat you meal,” try saying, “I’m serving up.” Instead of saying, “Get in the car. It’s time for school,” try saying, “I’m starting the car in five minutes.”
3. Cue, Don’t Tell
Got a child who digs in when they’re told what to do?
If so, don’t tell. Give them a cue. A reminder.
“It’s bedtime in five minutes.”
They don’t budge.
Perhaps repeat once.
Perhaps start a bedtime routine at the allocated time.
Perhaps ignore them.
Use your judgment.
Be the adult. Don’t be drawn into a fight of their making.
Expert tip: Kids can become reliant on your reminders. Wean your kids off reminders and expect them to remember their bedtime. Most kids are familiar with the rules and routines of their families by the age of six, which includes your constant reminders.
4. Let Your Body Do The Talking
“Go to bed!”
No movement.
Change your language and your tone.
But be firm and objective.
“It’s time for bed.”
Make eye contact, but not aggressively.
Use a flat, steady but friendly voice with no inflection at the end (which indicates you expect them to agree)
Keep your head still with strong (not aggressive body language)
Move away.
You mean what you say.
Your body and voice show you expect them to comply.
If they don’t move? Stay calm. Maybe repeat. Maybe start the bedtime routine.
Expect them to go.
Expectations are an irresistible and invisible force that is revealed through body language.
Expert tip: Keep your palms facing downwards while speaking. You will automatically use authoritative body language and tone of voice. Try saying, “Hello, My name is ….. I’m pleased to meet you.” in the mirror with your palms facing up and then repeat with palms facing down.
Notice the difference.
You might need to speak a bit longer to achieve the full effect, but typically, palms up convey a relationship-building tone of voice and body language, while palms down project an authoritative voice and body language.
5. Help Them Get The Picture
Does your child consistently resist your authority?
If so, move the authority to a third point.
A chart, a clock or a previous agreement.
“Check out the bedtime chart, please!”
“The clock says it’s bedtime.”
“We agreed that 8 o’clock is bedtime.”
These are difficult to argue with.
You become the facilitator.
It works brilliantly.
Explanation: When you make eye contact with a child, you engage in two-point communication—you and your child connect through this mutual eye contact. This helps build relationships.
When you have difficult news to deliver, such as going to bed, turning off that screen, or getting dressed, it’s beneficial to shift to a third point. That is, don’t make eye contact with your child, but with a third point—a chart, the bedroom door, or the screen—as you speak.
This third point becomes the authority, not you. They may become annoyed, but it will be directed at the situation they are in, not at you. You need to be like a neutral cop so they become irritated at the problem, not at you.
6. You Have A Choice
Argumentative kids and power-seekers respond to choices as they think they’re calling the shots.
“You can go to bed now and have ten minutes of lights on time, or have quiet time and go to bed in ten minutes? What do you want to do?”
“Go to bed in twenty minutes.”
“You know the choices.”
Don’t be drawn by a game of their making. Stick to the two choices given.
Give a choice between two, not a smorgasbord.
They’re an illusion of power because you control the choices, but they’re effective.
Practise daily for proficiency.
Expert tip: Typically, choices involve what and when. Choose between this and that. You can do it now or later. Sometimes, kids won’t choose either way; it will be a flat-out refusal. When this occurs, offer them a choice about how something will happen. “Missing school is not an option. You can either walk with your friends or I’ll take you.”
Children generally choose the path of least resistance.
Note: Making a how choice can carry the risk of harming your relationship, leading to anger or both. I’ve only used this technique in challenging situations where a child, you, or a third party is in danger and there are no other options.
Finally…
Each of these methods encourages cooperation rather than requires obedience.
When given an option, most kids will respond positively as they like to think they’re in control. The keys to using these tools effectively are:
Practising in low- or no-stress situations.
Using language that feels natural for you.
Staying (or regaining) calm when you speak.
It may take consistent effort and a shift in perspective, but the rewards—a more cooperative child and a calmer household—are well worth the investment.
Experiment to see what works best for your unique child, and remember that behind that resistance often lies a desire for autonomy that, with the right words and actions, you can help them navigate successfully.
Know anyone with an oppositional or strong-willed child who’d benefit from this masterclass article? Share is easy.
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Parenting Toolbox Words of Wisdom
“Small hinges swing big doors. Often, the small changes and adjustments we make in our daily parenting have the most significant long-term impact on our kids. Evolutionary change beats revolutionary change every day of the week.”
Michael Grose