Championing the Unsung Heroes: A Guide to Nurturing the Family Underdog.
Raising talented kids is easy, but parenting struggling and neuro-divergent children is challenging. These five tools are essential for raising kids who must work hard to achieve.
One of the unwritten laws of family life is that talent, ability and development are unevenly distributed between siblings.
In most families, one child has more than their fair share of ability. Everything this child turns their hands to – whether schoolwork, sport or socialising – is done effortlessly.
Meanwhile, their sibling has to work super hard to achieve similar results. This is common in families with neuro-divergent children, where achieving success takes hard work and determination.
In many families, unevenness of ability is due to developmental differences. Just as toddlers start walking at vastly different ages, children’s physical, academic and social development rates vary widely.
Despite this, it’s heartbreaking to watch your child struggle to attain success at school, sports, or leisure activities.
A measure of a child is not another child.
As a parent, be realistic about what each child can achieve. As difficult as this may be, avoid benchmarking your child against other children’s progress.
Keep your expectations in line with their ability and maturity, and avoid making comparisons between siblings.
And that is hard because their similarities and differences are ever-present.
Be ready to use the following tools if you’re parenting a child who continually struggles for success in areas that other children find easy:
1. Encouragement.
Be your child’s cheerleader.
As a parent, you can boost your hardworking child's self-confidence by celebrating their small successes, helping them feel proud and encouraging them to keep trying.
Focus your comments on contribution, improvement and effort.
Show realistic confidence in their ability to succeed.
Be prepared to keep their chins up when they become discouraged.
Having a child who struggles can be incredibly discouraging for a parent, so make sure you take a step back every so often and remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
2. Advocacy.
Prepare to advocate strongly.
You may need to advocate more for a child who faces greater challenges compared to a child who finds things easier. When things don’t go as planned at school or in activities, be prepared to step in and support your child rather than expecting them to handle everything on their own, as you might with a more capable child.
It's a delicate balance because you don't want your child to rely on you for everything, but it's beneficial for them to have a parent who stands up for them when they need it most.
Help teachers, coaches and other family members be advocates for your child.
Be appreciative of other people who stand up for your child. Nurture these unique relationships.
3. Persistence.
Remind yourself that persistence pays.
If you had a choice between your child being blessed with natural talent or persistence, research shows you should always choose persistence.
Children who face challenges but ultimately succeed learn a valuable life lesson: most achievements require effort and perseverance.
Kids who breeze through childhood without much effort may find it difficult when they have to work hard to achieve success later in life.
Encourage your child to continue. Let them know that their persistence will pay off.
Acknowledge their feelings of discouragement.
Develop the language of persistence: "Keep going", "You've got this," "Stay focused." Please be sure to stick with these affirmations for best results.
4. Strengths.
Help kids identify their strengths.
Kids are like niche marketers—they define themselves by their strengths. “I am a good reader,” “I’m sporty,” or “I’m really good at art” are some of the labels kids will use.
As they move into adolescence, the number of options for success opens up, so help them find one or two areas that they enjoy and can quickly succeed in.
Speed to succeed is anathema to many, but for a struggling child, the quickest path to success is confidence-building.
Encourage children to try different activities—sports, interests, and subjects at school—to work out what they’re good at. Childhood is a time of generalisation rather than specialisation, so encourage kids to try different activities.
As they move into adolescence they can then start to specialise in areas that help them form their identities.
Three questions to help you identify your underdogs’ strengths:
What activities do your child excel at or show above-average success in? Where does success repeat itself?
What activities energise and excite your child?
What activities does your child do in their spare time? What do they love doing?
5. Belonging.
Help kids belong by contributing to the family.
Help every child belong to your family through a positive contribution. Everyone contributes in their own way, so expect kids to help without being paid. Emptying the garbage, making their lunch, and supporting a younger sibling to prepare for school are great levellers in families.
Some kids belong because they are funny and lighten the family mood. Others may belong because they’re reliable and make sure things get done. That’s fine. There are many positive ways to be part of the most important group of all - their family.
Value different contributions equally.
Introduce friendly banter to build strong family relationships.
Use rituals such as mealtime to bring siblings together.
Finally……
Living in the shadow of a superstar or talented sibling is difficult, so avoid making a huge fuss over a particular child's achievements—it makes life difficult for those who follow.
Similarly, neuro-diverse children, who interact with the world differently, can feel discouraged by the easy success of their siblings, particularly when they work twice as hard to achieve the same results.
So these family unsung heroes benefit from parents who nurture their differences and are attuned to the hard work they put in.
Here’s a quick recap for championing the unsung heroes in your family:
Be your child’s cheerleader.
Prepare to advocate strongly.
Remind yourself that persistence pays.
Help kids identify their strengths.
Enable kids to belong through contribution.
Parenting Toolbox Wise Words
“Behind every child who believes in himself is a parent who believed first.”
Matthew Jacobson
