Everyone needs a third place.

Guilt free self-care is easier than you think.

Photo by Adam Wilson on Unsplash

“I couldn’t agree more.”

I said when I saw “Everyone needs a third place” written above the door as I left the gym feeling very chilled after spending time in my favourite third place.

Created by Ray Oldenburg, an American sociologist, the third place describes a space outside of home (the first place) and work (the second place) where people go to catch up with friends, kick back and relax, or just chill.

Pubs, clubs, bars, swimming pools, parks, streets, beaches, coffee shops, gyms – anywhere that people can gather – serve as third places.

They’re vital at every stage of life.

Teens need a place away from home and school where they can hang with their friends. The third place has been linked with a teenager’s identity formation where they can be who they want to be away from the gaze of well-meaning adults.

Twenty-somethings, in career-building mode, need to get away from work, which takes up enormous mental space. Enter the third place – bar, club, gym or even a park. Somewhere you can off-load the stress of work before going home.

Even older generations, whose careers are winding down benefit from spending time in a revitalising third place. Frequently third places are linked to hobbies or personal interests for this age group. Choir, theatre or cold-water swimming anyone!

The benefits of a third place are many. They’re great places for social connection; for relieving stress and even overcoming the boredom and sameness of everyday life.

Not everyone uses the third place.

The group that’s least likely to use a third place, is the cohort that needs it the most.

Yep, you guessed it.

Parents!!!

So often when kids come along personal interests are jettisoned. Sport, hobbies and that regular trip to the pub, club or swimming pool that you so enjoyed goes out the window.

Time contracts and priorities change when kids come into your life.

Taking kids to their own interests (sport, music lessons, jazz ballet) replaces your own interests (sport, music, dancing). Given a choice between your own participation and your child’s participation most parents would choose the latter.

So, the third place and the activities that went with it go out the window or are reduced to a meaningless level.

If spending time in a third place is something you’ve given up, (or never had) and are yearning for then it’s time to reclaim (or start) an important part of what makes for a healthy, interesting life.

1.    Give yourself permission.

Every positive habit starts by giving yourself full permission to enjoy it.

The stories we tell ourselves influence so much of our behaviour. A common story I hear from parents goes along these lines – “My child is the most important thing in my life. I only have one or two chances to get it right. I don’t want my child to miss out on a thing. Parenting is the most important job. I can’t stuff it up!”

So, their child becomes their life and parenting becomes all-consuming.

Change the story.

You need a break. Some time spent in your favourite third place is necessary for your own mental health and wellbeing. And it will help you be a better parent.

2.    Start small.

Australian music icon Paul Kelly sang “From little things, big things grow.”

While the song referred to the success of the indigenous land rights movement in Australia, he could well have been singing about successfully making life changes and the formation of new habits.

Starting any new habit is NOT easy. We generally must give something up in return.

That’s why starting small is linked to successful habit formation.

It’s easier to leave work thirty minutes early once a week to go the gym, building up to three or four sessions than start with a flurry of five days a week at the gym. The former path is very doable while the latter is a recipe for failure.

And failure should not be an option.

3.    Lean on your support network.

Your child needs to be picked up after school and taken to music lessons. A child is home sick, but you can’t take the day off work to look after them. Your teen needs picking up from a party, but your car broke down.

All common parenting dilemmas made redundant when you have a healthy support network of friends, neighbours and family.

Most parents will call on their support networks in emergencies but are less likely to do so when they are beneficiaries of their help.

If a child needs looking after while you attend a club, beach or park (all legitimate third places) for a short time then if you’re like most parents, you’ll be less likely to call on their support network to step in.

Both parenting genders benefit from time in a third place, so whether you’re a mum or dad, lean on your support networks to make it happen when there aren’t any alternatives.

4.    Change it up.

If your new third place is not working for you, then don’t waste time. Change it.

Replace it with something else rather than give up the whole idea.

It usually takes many attempts to find what works, so be patient, yet determined to find your perfect third place.

5.    Leave off with the guilt trip.

I suspect mothers more than fathers feel guilty when they devote time to themselves.

(ASIDE: Women were born with a sizeable guilt gland which kids are expert at squeezing. Men’s guilt gland is smaller and, in most cases, well hidden.)

Parental guilt is responsible for many questionable decisions driving some dodgy parenting behaviours, which is a topic for another day.

If spending regular time in your third place refreshes you, making the time you spend at home time less stressful and more enjoyable then don’t feel guilty. Be assured the time you spent will pay dividends for you personally and indirectly for your kids.

When everyone benefits because you benefit then you are on to an absolute winner.

Besides, you’ll be teaching your child a valuable life lesson about self-care, how to be an interesting person and about maintaining healthy relationships.

All which come under the heading of teaching your child to live life well. An incredibly important parental task, that’s not covered in most parenting literature.

So what’s your favorite third place? Currently, mine is a gym that has a sauna, where I go to exercise, chill and relax. It’s also a friendly place so I end up chatting to a bunch of people, which is great. Let me know where you go to be yourself!