Five sure-ways to know you're over-parenting

Over-protective, negligent or in-between? Here's a simple way to get your parenting just right.

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Times have changed!

When I began as a parenting educator over three decades ago the biggest issues I spoke about in the media involved under-parenting. Neglected kids; kids who displayed poor or delinquent behaviour and raising kids that lived on society’s margins were popular media topics in the early 1990’s.

Now three decades later it’s over-parenting that captures attention. Spoilt kids; kids with a false sense of entitlement and parents that place excessive demands on schools are popular topics now.

These fit into the over-parenting, or more colloquially, helicopter or snow-plough parenting categories.

Is over-parenting new?

While we hear a great deal about over-parenting at present it’s not a new phenomonen. Parents of past generations have been overly-protective and over-indulgent of their offspring at times, however it does seem many parents today are a little over-enthusiastic in their endeavours to optimise the future prospects of the current generation.

A defining feature of twentieth first century parents is their fierce determination to provide children with the best possible childhood and to get give them the best possible start in life. In pursuit of these admirable goals parents run the risk of over-extending their roles, entering areas of children’s lives that would have been off-limits to parents a couple of generations ago.

How to know that you are over-parenting

It’s a quirk of twenty-first century parenting that we need an objective measure to assess our parenting. Past generations were satisfied with more subjective measures such as whether their kids were happy; whether they got good marks at school; whether they were employable; and or if they stayed out of trouble (or jail in extreme cases)!

It’s safe to say the parenting waters were far clearer in the past than they are now.

However the parenting industry has come a long way in a short time, so we now have stringent indicators that let us know what parenting track we maybe on. And that for many people would appear to be the over-parenting track.

You know you are over-parenting if:

1. You take on all, or nearly all, of a child’s problems

Kids are good at passing their problems on to their parents. They’ll bring you siblings disputes to settle. Expect you to take forgotten school lunches to school. Some kids pester will pester you to organise their after-school lives.

Mums and dads that over-parent solve out all their children’s problems. This may make life easier in the short-term but it usually leaves kids more dependent on parents than children were in the past.

Point to remember: Leave some problems for kids to solve

2. You regularly do for a child the things he or she can reasonably do for themselves

It’s an irony of modern life that the busier parents get the more we tend to do for kids. In the race to get things done we dress young children; prepare children’s snacks and accompany them on trips outside the house even when they are old enough to do activities themselves.

If your child is becoming more rather than less dependent the older he becomes then it’s probably time to reassess your parenting.

Point to remember: Never regularly for a child the things they can do for themselves.

3. You take on too many of your child’s responsibilities

How do go with these questions?

“Who is responsible for getting your child up each morning?

Who is responsible for packing lunches and bags?

Who is responsible for cleaning away toys?”

If you answered “my children, of course” then congratulations you’ve shifted responsibility to where it rightfully lay - with kids.

If not, then you guessed it. It may be time for a parenting reassessment.

Point to remember: If you want a child to be responsible then give them responsibility

4. You know too much about your child’s life

Being an attentive parent of a small family invariably means that you know every quirk and vagary of your child’s life.

“He didn’t eat all his breakfast this morning. Hmm! That’s not good.”

“She seems a bit grumpy after school. What’s wrong?”

“He left his jumper at home. I’d better take it to him.”  

Kids benefit from having some emotional space from their parents. It gives them chances to rely on their own resourcefulness and develop the skills needed to get by.

Point to remember: A little bit of benign neglect can promote children’s development.

5. You parent the individual and not the gang

If you are constantly trying to make sure life is smooth for each child then you are probably parenting the individual, rather than for the good of the whole family!

I’m not talking about ‘playing favourites’, but having an intense focus on meeting each individuals’ wants, often at the expense of the family-life in general.

For instance, if you allow a child to go on a sleep-over rather than attend the birthday of a sibling then you are focussing on the individual when you should be focusing on the gang’s expectations.

Point to remember: Raise your small family with a big family mindset.

Most of the research points to an authoritative approach as ‘parenting best practice’, which is a mix of firmness and warmth; discipline and nurturance; high expectations and relationship-building. That sits… surprise, surprise… somewhere between over-parenting and under-parenting.

Yep, as always a balanced approach to parenting as in most things in life seems to be the best way to go. Who would’ve thunk it!

All of us can be guilty of some or all of the above for at least one of our kids. That’s natural as one size or style rarely fits all.

Create your own parenting strategy

Parenting by design is the way forward in parenting. Rather than sticking rigidly to a parenting style, think strategically, set long-term goals (say five years or more), then set yearly intentions for your parenting.

Set aside some “You” time each year, with your partner and/or yourself to reflect on your parenting journey. How satisfying is it? What’s working? What’s not working in family-life?

Develop your child’s agency by asking them similar, age-appropriate questions. Take their ideas on board and set your path for the year ahead.

Sounds easy.

I know, it’s not as simple as it sounds. This strategy takes practice, a little pain and persistence to get right. But the result is worth it.

The presence of a plan relieves parental anxiety, provides certainty and allows you to be proactive, rather than reactive to previously difficult parenting scenarios.

And that, dear reader, is absolute parenting heaven.