Expert Tools for Successfully Managing Kids’ Anxiety: A Guide for Parents
Practical tools to move your child from anxious to calm in minutes.
This week’s Parenting Toolbox newsletter focuses on a significant issue: childhood anxiety. It’s a concern I’m regularly asked to address and one that parents (and teachers) need considerable support with.
This newsletter is available for our School Members to share with their parent communities! Graphics and links will be sent separately.
Anxiety is contagious.
When your child becomes anxious, you can easily feel anxious too.
Like the common cold, anxiety is catching, unless you take some precautions.
In this article, I’ll show you two frameworks that work simultaneously when your child experiences an anxious moment. First, the SOBER framework, which focuses on you as a parent, is a precautionary approach. Second - the Anxiety Response Plan - will show you how to respond when your child is anxious.
Stay SOBER when your child is anxious
Yes, I know, I know.
You should always be sober when your child is anxious. But that’s not the sober I’m referring to, although it makes a cool acronym.
It’s easy for stress to get in the way when your child is anxious, so it helps to adhere to the SOBER acronym.
Stop
Multi-tasking is a big part of the parenting gig, but when your child is anxious, they need your full attention. So, stop what you’re doing and focus on your child.
Observe
Shift to observer mode and see what your child is doing and saying. What do you notice? Are they edgy, hanging back or impatient? What are you feeling? Broaden your view to what’s happening around you? This will help ground you in what’s essential.
Breathe
Breathing deeply will dial down your fight-or-flight response (initiated by your child’s anxiety) and activate your relaxation response.
A few deep belly breaths are all it takes.
Expand
Are you now ready to broaden your awareness of the possibilities in the moment? Is this the best time and place to discuss this issue?
If not, let your child know that you will get back to them as soon as you can. If you can manage this, consider your options.
Respond
The previous five steps have ensured that you don’t emotionally react to your child’s anxious moment. Usually, that’s meant to reassure them, fix the problem, or just hope it goes away. You are now ready to respond. The first words to leave your lips should be:
“I get it!”
This is the empathetic response.
Kids want their parents to understand that they feel anxious, nervous, or fearful. You might not grasp the reasons why, but you need to realise that their feelings are genuine, which helps them feel safe.
If you don’t know what to say, simply start by saying, “I’m so glad you told me.”
It may take some time to put these thinking skills into practice when you’re responding to your child’s anxiety. That’s fine. These are stressful situations, so it’s hard to be rational.
Eventually, it will become automatic as you practise the SOBER response
Your Anxiety Response Plan
Knowing in advance how you want to respond to a child who is panicking or becoming overly anxious is beneficial. As you read the following paragraphs, consider how they might relate to your child and how you would respond
1. Recognise your child’s anxiety
The hardest part is recognising a child's anxiety or panic. It's helpful to know the situations that are likely to cause anxiety. If tackling new subjects at school has caused anxiety in the past, it’s no surprise that they may be hesitant to go to school at the start of the year.
It’s also helpful to understand how your child’s anxiety typically manifests—whether through anger, tears, avoidance, or sullen behaviour. Recognition becomes easier as you get better at tuning into your child’s wavelength.
2. Validate how they feel
Above all, kids want someone to understand their anxiety. You don’t have to fix the problem, but it’s important to show that you understand they’re feeling anxious. Match your response to theirs. If they’re really upset, speak with an energy and tone just below theirs, then gradually lower your energy and tone. This will help to calm their emotional response.
It’s also a great way to help your child develop a more nuanced vocabulary.
An “Ahhhh” statement is a brilliant way to validate how your child is feeling.
“Ahhh, you’re feeling anxious right now……..”
“Ahhh, you’re having one of this “I might mess up” thoughts….”
“Ahhh, you’re feeling nervous about tomorrow’s……”
3. Prompt deep, slow breathing
Encourage your child to take deep, slow belly breaths to help lower their emotional levels.
If deep breathing is new to them, breathe together at a steady pace.
Deep breathing is the quickest way to activate your child’s relaxation response and calm them down.
4. Bring their attention back to the present
An anxious child’s thoughts are always focused on the future. They worry about what may happen. It’s essential to redirect your child’s attention to the present. The easiest way to do this is through engaging the senses.
Ask your child to name five things they can see, then four things they can hear, and finally three things they physically feel (e.g. the wind on their face).
This simple mindfulness exercise should be the key tool in your mental health toolkit, positioned right at the top of your deep breathing techniques.
5. Guide them to take action that matters
When your child or teenager has calmed down, steer them towards the action that matters. If it’s a test at school that’s led to the anxious moment, then help your child make plans to tackle the test as best they can. Talk through how they can prepare. Remind them about what’s important - doing your best, playing with friends, enjoying sport—processes rather than results.
Do everything you can to relieve the pressure and stress in a situation, but don’t let avoidance be the default option.
A word about tolerating discomfort
Although not a standalone step in your Anxiety Response Plan, helping your anxious child to cope with their discomfort is an approach you can weave into your validation of their experience of anxiety.
Tolerating discomfort means being prepared to sit with uncomfortable or emotionally painful feelings.
Consider discomfort as a muscle that grows stronger through training. Opportunities arise frequently, such as when a child is:
feeling hungry
wanting something they can’t have
having to wrap up screentime
contributing to household chores
Tolerating discomfort doesn’t mean just toughing it out. It’s about teaching an anxious child to notice how they’re feeling, how to name their emotions, and to practise acceptance of those feelings in the moment, all while knowing that a warm and comforting parent lovingly supports them.
Couple tolerating discomfort with social rewards (such as praise or a shared fun activity) for coping behaviours, and you’re helping strengthen genuine resilience.
Finally…
Anxious kids often need help making the metaphorical step back to see the bigger picture. They need someone to assist them in perceiving things as they are, rather than through the clouded lens of anxiety.
As you gain a clear understanding of what’s happening in the moment with your anxious child, part of your role will be to consider what is hindering their progress, assist them in lightening the burden that may weigh them down, and encourage them to approach life one step at a time.
Do you know someone with an anxious child who would benefit from this approach? If so, sharing is simple and generous.
Ten Ways to Shift an Anxious Child's Mood
Feeling emotional extremes is part of life, but that doesn’t mean they have to remain in those states. Kids don’t need to be held hostage by their moods. These ten practical tools empower kids to take charge of their emotions, enabling them to transition to more positive feelings when they feel low.
Parenting Toolbox Wise Words
“Practise your parenting skills - communication, discipline, confidence-building, bonding - when you're tired. It’s the habits you develop when you’re fatigued that elevate your parenting to a consistently high level.”
Michael Grose
What’s Coming Up?
In two days:
I’ve received numerous requests from parents and teachers regarding how to recognise when a child is feeling anxious and when they should be worried. So I’ve written this comprehensive guide to be published in two days’ time:
Beyond the Butterflies: Recognising True Anxiety in Kids.
This guide is for paid members.
In seven days:
I’ve been busy putting together a first-aid kit for your school-aged child to use when they’re in emotional distress. It’s finally finished and will be published next week, titled: