Here's the Key to Parenting Success......
Get this right, and parenting success is within your grasp.
A quick note for principals and teachers: Join the increasing number of schools passing on the Fortnightly Parenting Toolbox to their parent communities. Each newsletter is a parenting masterclass for intelligent, stress-free parenting.
Parents today have a lot to live up to.
A century ago, the expectations of parents were low. If your kids were well-fed, well-mannered, and attended school regularly, you were a contender for Parent of the Year.
Now, expectations are way higher.
There are more pitfalls to navigate and opportunities to explore. As a mum and dad, you must constantly be upping your parenting game.
Your kids are constantly clashing. “I need to build my conflict resolution skills.”
Your son watches too much screen time. “I’d better learn how to set boundaries.”
Your daughter doesn’t want to spend any time with you. “How do I build a relationship with a teen?”
Your child's behaviour is way off the mark. “How do I get through to him?”
A child has friendship problems. “How can I get someone at school to take notice?”
Phew!
Where to focus your time and energies?
That’s easy.
Focus on becoming a better communicator.
Build your communications toolbox. Never stop learning. Stay curious.
When you win the communication game, everything else falls into place, including:
1. Managing behaviour.
Whether you like it or not, you need to be able to manage your children’s behaviour.
It’s your job to keep kids safe and to socialise them. That’s what discipline is about.
Due to their personality or age, some kids need minimal hands-on discipline. They usually cooperate willingly.
Others are more challenging. They test you, even defy you. Yes, you need to manage their behaviour actively.
Want to manage your kids better? Then, become a better communicator.
Example: Some kids don’t like to be told what to do. They defy you when you use the language of control (“Do this now!” “No!”). You’ll experience more success with these kids if you try communication tools such as:
Focusing your language on you, not them. “I’m putting the meal on the table now.” Not: “Come and eat!”
Cueing rather than telling. “It’s bedtime in five minutes.” Not: “Go to bed.”
Use a visual list, not your words, to manage. “Please check the roster to see whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.”
2. Maintaining influence.
Imagine if you were a child in 1924.
Life would have been simple. Your window to the world would have been narrow. Your worldview would be shaped by your parents, siblings and friends (in that order).
Life is complex in 2024. Parents compete with pervasive media, social media, and worldly peers for their children's hearts and minds.
This generation of children and young people spend more time in each other’s company and less time among adults than at any time in history. Their influence on each other is profound.
Parents must be savvy communicators to stay in the game with kids, particularly with adolescents.
Example: Older children and early teens often keep to themselves and won’t open up to their parents. Everything you ask is met with a Neanderthal-like grunt, a great way to keep you out of their lives. As a parent, you’ll have success with:
Shoulder-to-shoulder talking: Chatting with your kids while walking or in the car increases the likelihood of you learning about what’s on their minds and influencing their behaviour.
Talking on their turf: Choosing a place where they feel comfortable increases the likelihood of deeper conversations.
The use of banter: Families that sprinkle conversations with friendly banter can have more in-depth discussions about the things that matter, such as sexuality, inclusiveness, and respectful relationships. Balance the heavy with the light.
3. Connecting with kids.
Most parents want to have a better relationship with their children than they had with their parents.
Dads, in particular, want to enjoy better relationships with their sons than they had with their fathers. Frequently, these relationships were either:
Combative, where they felt they were never good enough in their father’s eyes.
Superficial, as they talked about school, sports, or shared interests, but very few conversations held real consequences.
Absent, and their mothers explained their fathers to them.
Forming a meaningful connection to children doesn’t just happen. You can spend all day in the same room with a child or young person and never connect.
Nuanced and specific communication is vital to relationship-building.
Example: Many families have a child with whom a parent struggles to enjoy a satisfying relationship. This can be due to a personality clash, differences in relational styles or developmental issues. As a parent, you will have success with some precise communication tools:
Choose the same place: Recall a place or space where you experience successful connections with your child. You will have one. It may be a chair, couch or play space outside. Return to this place when you want to talk or feel at peace with your child.
One-on-one time: Forget quality time. It’s a hoax. Just spend some time in the company of each child regardless of the age. You don’t have to talk - just be there.
Understand their connection preferences: Dr. Gary Chapman's work on love languages is profound. My three kids prefer to connect in different ways, and understanding this has been a real bonus. One enjoys chatting, another loves doing activities together, and the third responds to acts of service. Aligning with their love languages makes it easy to bond.
4. Building a strong family.
One of the biggest hurdles parents must jump is one that few recognise: family size.
It’s a paradox that the smaller the family, the harder it is to build a sense of team. My research (outlined in my book Why Firstborns Rule the World and Later Borns Want to Change It) shows that families of four-plus children are more likely to function as a team or a group than a family of three or fewer.
Children in large families form strong alliances, whereas children in small families tend to function more as individuals.
Most families in developed countries like Australia have three or fewer children, so team-building is much more complex. Parents in small families must work hard to ensure siblings connect.
84% of parents of two-child families where children are the same gender say sibling conflict is one of their most pressing problems.
Build strong sibling bonds through:
Building family rituals: Rituals such as mealtimes, celebrations and festive days bring your family together, building memories and creating traditions that bind members together.
Family meetings: Regular family meetings give kids a voice and reduce friction between siblings. (Note: I’m a massive fan, but meetings take time, and parental skills are needed to operate well. When they do….yowsers, they are magic!)
Problem-ownership: Helping siblings own and resolve their problems brings them closer together. “Is this a problem you can solve?” “What do you think your brother was trying to say?” “ Ask your sister to help you.” Use communication that teaches, suggests and directs when dealing with sibling issues.
5. Advocating when kids struggle.
Every child needs a parent to advocate for them at some point in their lives.
It may be an intractable friendship issue, a problem at school that won’t go away or an institutional issue that needs your attention.
The default setting for many parents is to badger, bully or baffle the offending party with bull*&*@. It doesn’t work, so frequently your child’s needs go unmet.
Advocacy takes tact, strength and focus—a trio of top-shelf communication tools.
Example: Your child genuinely struggles to learn in a particular class, and you want them to change classes. You will have success with:
Presenting the problem: Don’t present the solution. Be able to articulate your child’s needs and your concerns clearly. Be confident in speaking for your child’s needs without being aggressive.
Active listening: Listen to all sides to understand different perspectives.
Problem-solving: Negotiation is one key to successful advocacy. Your success measure is finding the solution that fits rather than one you may have wanted initially.
Your ability to communicate sets you apart.
Your ability to communicate well is your superpower and will help make parenting so much easier.
Raising a boy? Then you’ll need a bunch of boy-friendly communication skills.
Raising a girl? You’ll need to be on your communication game.
Have a neuro-diverse child? Then, your language needs to be specific, literal and timely.
Is your child moving into adolescence? Your communication will need to change as they change.
Is your child live in two households? Diplomacy and negotiation are keys.
Parenting Toolbox Publication Schedule
Here’s what you can look forward to reading in the coming weeks in Parenting Toolbox.
12th February: Success at School Edition: How to Help Your Child Succeed at School This Year (and Every Year).
26th February: Use These Ten Phrases to Develop Resilience in your Child.
12th March: So Your Child Argues With You. Here’s hat to do.
26th March: 10 Digital Habits Every Child Should Know.
Principals and teachers, you can add these articles to your school’s digital newsletter so all the parents in your school community can learn and grow together. Find out more here.