How to encourage a child
Toolbox Tuesday: 7 tips for confidence-building that every parent, teacher and care-giver should know
Of all the tools in Parenting Toolbox, encouragement has got to be my favourite.
It derives from the French term coure’, meaning ‘to give heart’.
Now, that’s got to be the most wonderful, influential skill to have whether you’re an employer, coach, friend, or parent.
Encouragement takes many forms, such as:
cheering a friend on at the end of a fun run
boosting a family member when they’re having a bad day
putting your arms around your teenager when they’re disappointed with exam results
lighting up your face when a young child begins to walk
These are all instinctive, spur of the moment encouraging acts that everyone can relate to.
But how do you give heart to a child or teen who really needs it. You know when they’re really struggling. When life sucks, or worse, they think they suck. When they don’t try because they want to avoid failure.
It’s often hardest to encourage kids who need it the most.
These seven invaluable tips will make sure that your encouragement hits the mark and has real impact on those (your child, a family member, work colleague or friend) who receive it.
1. Keep it real
There’s a recent trend to heap praise on kids for simply for standing and drawing breath! We do kids a disservice when our praise becomes like a nervous tic!
We don’t help kids when we praise for the basics of a life. It’s meaningless.
Make sure your encouragement is meaningful. Give it when kids really need it – when they’re self-belief is lagging; when they think they can’t succeed; when they’ve lost a game for the umpteenth time in a row.
One way to keep it real is to be specific and descriptive with your language. “That was brilliant the way you did your homework straight after school. I can see you’re really thinking about it. Keep up the good efforts.”
2. Choose the right time
Timing is everything with communication. And yes, encouragement is a form of communication, albeit a very significant form.
Wait until an angry child has calmed down before you offer your encouragement. Help them calm down. Cuddle them if you can. The same goes with an angry teen, but maybe hold off on the cuddles. Then again, maybe not.
It’s pointless encouraging kids when their emotions are high. They won’t take your messages on board. Wait until their shoulder slump, which is a sign that they’re ready to listen.
3. Focus on ICE
You’ve probably noticed I’ve avoided (mostly) using the term ‘praise’. That’s because praise and encouragement are diametrically different. Praise focuses on the results (good marks, a big score, winning a game) of what a child does, and encouragement focuses on the process.
That’s a big difference. Rather than praise the results, which keeps kids reliant on the approval of others for their self-esteem, focus on these 3 processes:
Improvement: “You’re getting better at….”
Contribution: “Yep, you’re becoming a valuable member of the team.”
Effort: “Yowsers! If you try any harder, you’ll burst a fupher valve.”
The theory goes something like this: Focus on the processes (encouragement) and the results will invariably come.
My life experience back this up 100%. I hope your life experiences support this as well.
A caveat: I’ve worked with some parents who have had very few encouragers in their lives, so they just can’t relate to encouragement in any way, shape, or form.
4. Say it like you mean it.
Here’s a little trick you can try.
Say the following with your palms out, facing down, “Wow! That was such a good effort!”
How did you go? My guess is you sounded a little flat. Unenthusiastic!
Now offer the same words of encouragement with your palms out, facing upwards.
Notice any difference? If not, repeat the process.
Hopefully, you were more animated with your palms up.
My point? You can say “Well done, you!” all you like but the real encouragement is offered by your facial expression and body language.
Get animated when you encourage so the message sinks in.
5. Add some touch for emphasis
Parents of neuro-diverse children will know that a gentle touch on their child’s arm while they talk, dramatically increases the chance of the message being taken on board.
The same principle applies with encouragement delivered to any child or teen.
Touch amplifies the message, so don’t be afraid to touch your child while offering your gems of encouragement.
NB: The above only applies if your child feels comfortable with this type of physical contact.
6. No buts
There’s nothing like an encouraging comment delivered by a parent with a caveat to burst a child’s bubble.
“You tried really hard at school this year…but imagine what you could have achieved if you were more consistent with your homework!”
Yowsers! That “well done …..but” killed the mood and the effect!
Let the encouragement do its thing and save the but’s and the accompanying messages for another time.
7. Keep it short
Don’t rave. Deliver your encouraging message…with enthusiasm…like you really mean it because you should….with not buts.
And move on.
A final word….or two
Everyone needs encouragement. No one is immune from experiencing disappointment or struggle to succeed.
Everyone needs an injection of genuine hope and belief from a friend or family member.
That’s why encouragement is one of the most important tools in your parenting toolbox.
It’s a genuine life skill that you can pass on to your kids by being encouraging yourself.
It also becomes part of your family culture, which is an article for another day.
3 quotes about encouragement
“Everyone needs someone in their life who says ‘you can do this.’ That person can be you.” Michael Grose
“The Golden Rule of Parenting is do into your children as you wish your parents had done into you!” Louise Hart
“The greatest gift a parent can give a child is self-confidence.” Stewart Stafford
An extra dash for dads
Many fathers struggle to encourage their sons. Here’s why and some encouragement too!
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
It’s my observation, and unfortunately, my personal experience that many dads find it hard to encourage their sons. Their first borns sons, in particular.
They may give lip service to encouragement but too often their words aren’t backed up with real belief.
“Not (or never) good enough” is the default response for many dads when faced with their son’s efforts.
No matter how hard their son tries.
And most sons want their dad’s approval. No, they yearn for it.
Yet, some men hold their approval back. It’s almost as if giving approval to them may mean somehow, they are giving a greenlight to their behaviour or performance.
Our expectations are often too high for our sons. Many dads forget what it was like to be a boy. They forget how long it took them to grow up and achieve mastery in any area.
Sadly, many fathers forget that it takes longer to ‘grow’ a boy than it does a girl.
And isn’t it different when it comes to our daughters?
We are more accepting. More able to encourage and give them the boost they need.
Why the difference?
A couple of theories. One is that many fathers simply repeat how they were fathered. Their dads were hard markers, so they repeat the dose to their sons, even though they swore that they’d be different.
Another theory is related the Generative Fathering theory, of which I’m a fan.
That is, fathers are hard on their sons because they want the next generation to be able to survive and thrive without them.
And they can only do so if they are capable. It’s a survival of the fittest thing. So their dads push and push and …..you know the rest.
There’s lot of truth to this! That may have been a suitable method in an age long-gone, but it’s hardly acceptable in the 21st Century.
We need to do better
Regardless of the theory, we need to do better by our sons. They want their father’s approval and encouragement. Neither should be withheld because they don’t live up to our expectations.
Our sons are not put on this earth to please us or live our dreams. We do want to be proud of our sons. But that only happens when they make their own way in the world and forge their own path.
In the meantime, be a dad who is quick to encourage, and slow to criticise.
A dad who shares his knowledge but not his judgement.
A dad who is mightily impressed by his son’s humanity and less so by his deeds.
A dad who favours relationships over rules and remembers how hard it is for a boy to make his way in the world.
Let me know how you feel about this article. Thoughts, feelings, comments most welcome.
Share this with other parents and I’ll smile, with just YOU in mind.