12 Ways to Immediately Build Independence In Your Child: A Parenting Masterclass.
Start building autonomy and self-reliance in your kids today.
Photo taken by author.
Parents know that developing independence in their child is important but don’t know how to start.
I’ll make the process easy.
If you want to build genuine autonomy and independence in your kids, start using the language of independence.
Change and growth in families begins with shared language - that is, words and terms that everyone in the family understands and hears often.
This masterclass article includes 12 examples of independence-building language and covers the big-picture principle behind each.
Let’s start with the big one:
1. “Never regularly do for a child the things a child can do for him or herself.”
Goal: Independence
This parenting-for-independence manifesto is a philosophy that guides many teachers and parents today.
In effect, this sentence means that we give children the skills and competencies to look after themselves physically and emotionally wherever possible.
Independence-building is easy to say, but hard to do. It requires patience, time, and teaching from parents. And a recognition, that it may be eaisert to do thing for kids in the short-term, but keeping them dependent on you does them no favours.
It’s a worthy guiding principle that leads to self-sufficiency in children and, ultimately, redundancy as parents.
2. “Is this something you can do?”
Goal: Self-help
Independence takes many forms, but the most common is the development of self-help skills.
The confidence, pride, and, for most, sheer pleasure that kids derive from doing the simple things for themselves, such as a toddler tying his shoelaces or making their lunch, is immeasurable.
Yet it is so quickly denied if you see it as a job to do everything for children.
Independence begins at home with the development of self-help skills.
3. “Have you checked the help roster today?”
Goal: Contribution
A great way to develop a sense of independence is to give kids opportunities to help at home.
There is no need to overburden children with jobs. A sensible allocation of chores according to their age and study requirements will help you immensely and provide fantastic training for them.
It also builds accountability, resilience and a work ethic, highly valued characteristics for continued success at school and later in life.
4. “Which of these two would you prefer?”
Goal: Decision-making
As wise leaders, parents need to call the shots on how they conduct family life and manage health and welfare issues, such as appropriate bed and bath times. Some things are not up for negotiation.
However, there are areas where parents can easily give children autonomy and say, ‘It’s your call!’
Give simple choices about suitable clothing, how to keep their bedroom, what they eat, and who they play with are the types of decisions they can make, with age appropriate guidance.
5. “How can you make this happen?”
Goal: Problem-solving
Kids get used to bringing their problems to parents to solve. If you keep solving them, they’ll keep bringing them.
A problem-solving approach relies on asking good questions, which can be challenging if you are used to solving your child’s problems.
When a child brings you a problem, the first question should be:
‘Can you handle this on your own?’
Next should be,
‘What do you want me to do to help you solve the problem?’
These questions are not meant to deter children from coming to you but to encourage them to start working through their concerns themselves.
6. “We rely on you to do this.”
Goal: Reliability
Reliability is closely connected to responsibility and other aspects of independence.
Every child over the age of five, at least, should do something that someone else relies on, whether it’s looking after a pet, clearing the meal table, or emptying the garbage regularly.
It can be challenging to have others rely on you. For example, they may inevitably forget to put out the rubbish bins on garbage night, which means your bin will overflow for the next week.
Kids inevitably won’t get things right, but that doesn’t mean we should stop giving them responsibilities. Neither should it mean we give responsibility to kids who are already responsible.
7. “What can you learn for next time?”
Goal: Self-sufficiency
Learning from mistakes is part of the independence-building process for children. Often, adult impatience or an unwillingness to tolerate errors prevents us from giving kids the chance to do things for themselves or take on real responsibilities.
If independence is to be a significant part of your family’s culture, then be willing to help kids learn from their mistakes, whether social, behavioural or messing up while helping out at home.
8. “How do you feel about this?”
Goal: Emotional intelligence
An often overlooked aspect of independence is the ability to self-manage your emotional state.
Emotional self-management starts with recognising your feelings about a particular event or action and then labelling those feelings.
If possible, prompt children to identify their emotions before they act on them.
You can also revisit events and ask children about the feelings that may have led to a specific behaviour, such as hurting or yelling at a sibling.
9. “When you muck up, you make up.”
Goal: Accountability
Kids of all ages make mistakes.
Mucking up is part of the learning process.
However, some kids will keep repeating their mistakes unless they face the consequences of their decisions.
Behavioural consequences teach children to take greater responsibility for their lives and make more intelligent choices.
Help kids make up for their mistakes when they impact others so that they will learn not to make the same mistakes again. This may involve an apology, restitution, or withdrawal of the right to use something or access a place.
10. “Do what’s right, not what’s easy.”
Goal: Integrity
Independence and integrity go hand-in-hand. Integrity is an essential leadership attribute and a high-level social skill.
Integrity means doing the right thing by others and has a language of its own.
Kids are often tempted to take the easy way out with many issues, such as:
Putting off homework because it’s too hot.
Accepting an invitation to a friend’s birthday party rather than going to a sibling’s special sporting event.
Neglecting to pack away toys at the end of the day.
Reminding kids to do the right thing may be tiring, but important messages should be repeated so that kids absorb them……and repeat them when they have their children!!
11. “How will you fix this?”
Goal: Restoring relationships
Independent kids are usually socially-smart kids who don’t operate in a bubble.
They know that their behaviour impacts others, and they are mindful of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of others. They also make amends or restore relationships when their behaviour negatively affects others.
Relationship restoration is a lifelong skill that involves swallowing your pride, making up, giving something back, not holding a grudge, and moving on.
12. “Let’s find a way to make this happen.”
Goal: Positive risk-taking
One way to develop independence is to help children safely navigate an ever-increasing environment outside their homes.
Ideas include:
Adults and children do things together, such as catching public transport until they are ready to go alone or with friends.
Give kids minor freedoms before giving them more considerable liberties. For instance, allow a young child to walk part of the way to school independently and extend the distance as their ability and confidence grow.
Finally……….
Independence-building is the quickest path to children’s competency, confidence, and creativity and a shortcut to resilience and authentic learning.
Unfortunately, we’ve gradually retreated from this approach over recent generations, much to children’s detriment.
It’s time to help kids reclaim their independence.
The best place to start—or continue the process—is to incorporate the language of independence into family life.
