Is this the key to consistent parenting success?
Get this right, and parenting success is within your grasp.
Image by Tawny Nina Botha from Pixabay
This article is the latest in the special Sunday Series, which differs from the regular Parenting Toolbox newsletter articles in that it takes a different, sometimes deeper, look at the world of parenting.
Today’s article gets to the nub of what it takes to parent well in 2024 and beyond.
Parents today have a lot to live up to.
A century ago, the expectations of parents were low. If your kids were well-fed, well-mannered, and attended school regularly, you were a contender for Parent of the Year.
Now, expectations are way higher.
There are more pitfalls to navigate and opportunities to explore. As a mum and dad, you must constantly be upping your parenting game.
Your kids are constantly clashing. “I need to build my conflict resolution skills.”
Your son watches too much screen time. “I’d better learn how to set boundaries.”
Your daughter doesn’t want to spend any time with you. “How do I build a relationship with a teen?”
The behaviour of your child is way off the mark. “How do I get through to him?”
A child has friendship problems. “How can I get someone at school to take notice?”
Phew!
Where to focus your time and energies?
That’s easy.
Focus on becoming a better communicator. When you win the communication game, everything else falls into place, including:
1. Managing behaviour.
Whether you like it or not, you need to be able to manage your children’s behaviour.
It’s your job to keep kids safe and to socialise them. That’s what discipline is about.
Due to their personality or age, some kids need minimal hands-on discipline. They usually cooperate willingly.
Others are more challenging. They test you, even defy you. Yes, you need to manage their behaviour actively.
Want to manage your kids better? Then, become a better communicator.
Example: Some kids don’t like to be told what to do. They defy you when you use the language of control (“Do this now!” “No!”). You’ll experience more success with these kids if you try communication tools such as:
Focusing your language on you, not them. “I’m putting the meal on the table now.” Not: “Come and eat!”
Cueing rather than telling. “It’s bedtime in five minutes.” Not: “Go to bed.”
Use a visual list, not your words, to manage. “Please check the roster to see whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.”
2. Maintaining influence.
Imagine if you were a child in 1924.
Life would have been simple. Your window to the world would have been narrow. Your worldview would be shaped by your parents, siblings and friends (in that order).
Life is complex now in 2024. Parents compete with pervasive media, social media, and worldly peers for the hearts and minds of their children.
This generation of children and young people spend more time in each other’s company and less time among adults than at any time in history. Their influence on each other is profound.
Parents must be savvy communicators to stay in the game with kids, particularly with adolescents.
Example: Older children and early teens often keep to themselves and won’t open up to their parents. Everything you ask is met with a Neanderthal-like grunt, a great way to keep you out of their lives. As a parent, you’ll have success with:
Shoulder-to-shoulder talking: Chatting with your kids while walking or in the car increases the likelihood of you learning about what’s on their minds and influencing their behaviour.
Talking on their turf: Choosing a place where they feel comfortable increases the likelihood of deeper conversations.
The use of banter: Families that sprinkle conversations with friendly banter can have more in-depth discussions about the things that matter, such as sexuality, inclusiveness, and respectful relationships. Balance the heavy with the light.
3. Connecting with kids.
Most parents want to have a better relationship with their children than they had with their parents.
Dads, in particular, want to enjoy better relationships with their sons than they had with their fathers. Frequently, these relationships were either:
Combative, where they felt they were never good enough in their father’s eyes.
Superficial, as they talked about school, sports, or shared interests, but very few conversations held real consequence.
Absent, and their mothers explained their fathers to them.
Forming a meaningful connection to children doesn’t just happen. You can spend all day in the same room with a child or young person and never connect.
Nuanced and specific communication is vital to relationship-building.
Example: Many families have a child with whom a parent struggles to enjoy a satisfying relationship. This can be due to a personality clash, differences in relational styles or developmental issues. As a parent, you will have success with some precise communication tools:
Choose the same place: Recall a place or space where you experience successful connections with your child. You will have one. It may be a chair, couch or play space outside. Return to this place when you want to talk or simply feel at peace with your child.
One-on-one time: Forget quality time. It’s a hoax. Just spend some time in the company of each child regardless of the age. You don’t have to talk - just be there.
Understand their connection preferences: Dr. Gary Chapman's work on love languages is profound. My three children have different connection preferences, and discovering this has been a boon. One loves to talk, one loves shared activity, and one responds to acts of service. Matching their love language makes the connection easy.
4. Building a strong family.
One of the biggest hurdles parents must jump is one that few recognise: family size.
It’s a paradox that the smaller the family, the harder it is to build a sense of team. My research (outlined in my book Why Firstborns Rule the World and Later Borns Want to Change It) shows that families of four-plus children are more likely to function as a team or a group than a family of three or fewer.
Children in large families form strong alliances, whereas children in small families tend to function more as individuals.
Most families in developed countries like Australia have three or fewer children, so team-building is much more complex. Parents have to work hard in small families to ensure siblings connect.
Example: 84% of parents of two-child families where children are the same gender say sibling conflict is one of their most pressing problems. If you can relate, then you will have success with:
Building family rituals: Rituals such as mealtimes, celebrations and festive days bring your family together, building memories and creating traditions that bind members together.
Family meetings: Regular family meetings give kids a voice and reduce friction between siblings. (Note: I’m a massive fan, but meetings take time, and parental skills are needed to operate well. When they do….yowsers, they are magic!)
Problem-ownership: Helping siblings own and resolve their problems brings them closer together. “Is this a problem you can solve?” “What do you think your brother was trying to say?” “ Ask your sister to help you.” Use communication that teaches, suggests and directs when dealing with sibling issues.
5. Advocating when kids struggle.
There comes a time in every child’s life when they need a parent to stand up for them and be their advocate.
It may be an intractable friendship issue, a problem at school that won’t go away or an institutional issue that needs your attention.
The default setting for many parents is to badger, bully or baffle the offending party with bull*&*@. It doesn’t work, so frequently your child’s needs go unmet.
Advocacy takes tact, strength and focus—a trio of top-shelf communication tools.
Example: Your child genuinely struggles to learn in a particular class, and you want them to change classes. You will have success with:
Presenting the problem: Don’t present the solution. Be able to articulate your child’s needs and your concerns clearly. Be confident in speaking for your child’s needs without being aggressive.
Active listening: Listen to all sides to understand different perspectives.
Problem-solving: Negotiation is one key to successful advocacy. Your success measure is finding the solution that fits rather than one you may have wanted at the start.
Your ability to communicate sets you apart.
Your ability to communicate well is your superpower and will help make parenting so much easier.
Raising a boy? Then you’ll need a bunch of boy-friendly communication skills.
Raising a girl? You’ll need to be on your communication game.
Have a neuro-diverse child? Then, your language needs to be specific, literal and timely.
Is your child moving into adolescence? Your communication will need to change as they change.
Is your child live in two households? Diplomacy and negotiation are keys.
How I can help.
Communication is key to successful parenting, whether it’s disciplining, raising girls or boys, building confidence, reducing anxiety, or developing independence.
In addition to being an expert in all these areas, I’ve studied verbal and nonverbal communication with world-renowned experts such as Michael Grinder and Glenn Capelli.
As a parenting educator, writer, and speaker, I specialise in communication skills.
Parenting Toolbox is about increasing the number of communication tools in your toolbox to make you a better parent.
If you’re a PARENT, read the Parenting Toolbox every second Thursday. That’s where the magic happens.
If you’re in a SCHOOL, share the Parenting Toolbox with your parents in your regular newsletter so they can grow in confidence and competence as parents. You can put me on your parenting support team.
Parenting Toolbox Publication Schedule
Here’s what you can look forward to reading in the coming weeks in Parenting Toolbox.
Please note that this schedule doesn’t include my unique Sunday Series articles.
24th October
From Worrier to Warrior: Empower Your Kids to Manage Their Worries And Thrive.
It's easy to feel overwhelmed when your child is anxious, but there are many things you can do to help. These seven tools helps calm even the most apprehensive children.
7th November
Expert Tools For Successfully Managing Boys’ Behaviour: The Ultimate Guide For Parents.
Boys’ physical nature, boisterousness and propensity to push boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re used to managing girls. This guide will help you raise respectful, well-behaved boys.
21st November
The Ultimate Guide to Building Your Child’s Self-Confidence.
This is an essential read for every parent, teacher, and coach. It explains how to flick on your child’s confidence switch when they need it most.
5th December
Make Your Parenting So Simple That You Can’t Fail (And Neither Will Your Kids).
Successful parenting becomes simple with this foolproof method of turning essential skills into easy-to-apply habits.
19th December
Festive Season Fiesta
Kick off the holiday season with a bang and ensure your kids return to school next year ready to make the most of the year ahead.
Principals and teachers, you can add these articles to your school’s digital newsletter so all the parents in your school community can learn and grow together. Find out more here.