So, your child argues with you. Here’s what to do.
Respond successfully without tears, fears or clipping their ears.
Most of us are woefully unprepared for managing a child who likes to argue with us.
We want our kids to be cooperative at home and at the same time stand up for themselves in the schoolyard.
But kids need to practise their assertiveness somewhere. And there’s no safer place than their family to learn this important life skill.
You need to add to your communication toolbox, if you want to stay in the game with an argumentative child or teen.
Here’s what to do:
Get a gut feel. If your child’s arguing annoys you then they want your attention. Don’t provide B-grade attention by arguing. Disengage. If you feel angry then you’re in a power play. Again, don’t argue back, but be ready for it intensify. Your child wants to win. Disengage. If you don’t want to disengage then you probably want to win. Your stuck in a feedback loop. Good luck with that!
Check your language. Parents who continually use the language of coercion (“Do this.” “I want it done now.”) generally find at some stage their kids will withhold their cooperation. Try a different tack. Tell your kids what you will do. (“I’m putting the meal on the table.” “I’ll say good night in five minutes.”) Then do as you say. No more needs to be said.
Go visual rather than verbal when you want cooperation. Use rosters, reminder charts, facial expressions and the like to reinforce routines rather than constantly reminding kids with your voice about their behaviours. Don’t give them the opportunity to argue with you. Save your words for teaching and relationship-building.
Get your cat out. I’ve written extensively about this in two of my books but here’s a quick recap. There are two sides to us as parents- the credible, firmer side (the cat) and the relationship-building, softer side (the dog). When the cat speaks the voice is flat and low, your head and body stays still and you don’t smile. When the dog speaks your voice goes high, your body leans in and your face moves ( smiles, scrunches, eyes widen, etc). Try saying, “I want you to set the table, please” as a cat and a dog and see which way lets your child you mean what you say. Find your inner cat when you want cooperation.
Don’t argue. Kids don’t act in a vacuum. They generally argue with you because they know that they will get a response and also that arguing will get them what they want. Eventually.
Sometimes a child’s out of character arguing is a message. It maybe a sign that things aren’t going well for them so be mindful of this when you consider how to respond. Follow your instincts and you’ll be fine.
So, there are some ideas to help you manage an argumentative child. I have plenty more, but this will do for starters.
Which ideas make sense? Which sings out, “Try me”?
If you want to try one of these tools then think through your response. And practise it a few times. Behaviour rehearsal is such a powerful thing. And try any new tools in low pressure, and low stress situations.
Think, Rehearse, Go small is the way to building a bigger parenting toolbox.
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