So, your child or teen argues with you. Here’s what to do.

How to respond successfully when kids argue without tears, fears or clipping their ears.

Most parents aren’t equipped to handle an argumentative child or teen. We view their behaviour as disrespectful—behaviour unbecoming of our beloved child.

We want kids to be cooperative at home but assertive in school and able to stick up for themselves in socially acceptable ways.

Kids practise at home.

It's important to remember that kids need to practise their assertiveness somewhere. This is a crucial part of their development and a sign that they are learning to navigate the world around them.

There’s no safer and more nurturing place than their family to learn this vital life skill. So there’s a tension between nurturing assertiveness and expecting cooperative behaviour at home.

Build your communication toolbox.

Diversifying your communication toolbox when dealing with an argumentative child or teen is essential.

This will keep you equipped and confident in managing their behaviour.

Here’s what to do:

1. Follow your instincts.

What does your gut instinct tell you about your child’s arguing?

If you feel annoyed when they argue, then they want your attention. Don’t provide B-grade attention by arguing. Disengage.

If you feel angry, then you’re in a power play. Again, don’t argue back, but be ready for it to intensify.

Your child wants to win. Disengage. If you don’t want to disengage, then you probably want to win.

Then, you’re no longer arguing about the original issue. Winning becomes the new issue. The only issue.

You're stuck in a feedback loop.

Good luck with that!

2. Watch your language.

Parents who continually use coercive language (“Do this.” “I want it done now.”) generally find that their kids will withhold their cooperation at some point.

Try a different tack.

Instead, tell your kids what you will do. (“I’m putting the meal on the table.” “I’ll say good night in five minutes.””I’ll be going out the drive for school in five minutes.”)

Then do what you say. This stops the power play in its tracks.

You don't need to worry about saying anything else.

3. Go visual.

Use rosters, reminder charts, facial expressions and the like to reinforce routines rather than constantly reminding kids with your voice about their behaviours.

When you want something done, refer to the roster. “Who’s turn is it to empty the dishwasher?”

Don’t give them the opportunity to argue with you.

Save your words for teaching and relationship-building.

4. Discover your inner cat.

I’ve written extensively about this in two of my books but here’s a quick recap.

There are two sides to us as parents- the credible, firmer side (the cat) and the relationship-building, softer side (the dog).

When the cat speaks your voice is flat and low, your head and body stays still and you don’t smile.

When the dog speaks your voice goes high, your body leans in and your face moves ( smiles, scrunches, eyes widen, etc).

Try saying, “I want you to set the table, please” as a cat and a dog and see which way lets your child you mean what you say.

You can find your inner cat when you want cooperation. It works. every. single. time.

5. Don’t argue.

Kids don’t act in a vacuum.

They argue with the parent who will argue with them or give in.

They generally argue with you because they know that they will get a response and that arguing will get them what they want.

Eventually.

Do as my wife does when I want to argue - respectfully find an excuse to go to another room and walk away.

Sometimes, a child’s out-of-character arguing is a message.

It may be a sign that things aren’t going well for them, so be mindful when considering how to respond.

Follow your instincts, and you’ll be fine.

So, there are some ideas to help you manage an argumentative child. I have plenty more, but this will do for starters.

Which ideas make sense? Which sings out, “Try me”?

If you'd like to try one of these tools, please think through your response and practise it a few times. Behaviour rehearsal is such a powerful thing. Also, try any new tools in low-pressure and low-stress situations.

Think, Rehearse, and Go Small is how to build a better parenting toolbox.

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Parenting Toolbox Words of Wisdom

“Beware the 3 P’s that prevent effective parenting - Position (“I’m the parent.”), Prestige (“What will others think of me?) and Power (“I can’t let my child win?”). They’ll trip you up every time.

Michael Grose, Parenting Toolbox

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