The Critics are Wrong. Birth Order Matters.

Any real estate knows only three things matter - position, position, position. The same principle applies to your life and your family.

Photo by Саша Лазарев: https://www.pexels.com/

It’s been twenty-two years since I published Why Firstborns Rule the World and Last borns want to change it.

It went gangbusters in my neck of the woods, Australia.

My publisher, Penguin Random House, translated it into six different languages and published it in eight countries.

I did the media rounds again and again and again. In fact, I did 20 years of media!

New birth order research released. Get Michael Grose in to discuss it on camera.

A celebrity had a baby. Get Michael Grose to discuss the birth order personality of the new arrival.

A royal rift between Prince William and Prince Harry. Grose will set us straight about the relationship between the heir and the spare.

Yep, I was the go-to guy about birth order in Australia. A child’s position in their family was the secret sauce in the personality mix.

Until it wasn’t.

A revised edition

Two years ago, I revised Why first borns ruled the world and last borns want to change it. I even altered the title to reflect the change in family size and family dynamics. (I replaced “last borns” with “later borns.”)

The book was better and stronger, but it received mild acclaim.

In the last few years, the significance of birth order has diminished.

Birth order has its critics.

Sure, research has come out in recent years disputing the impact of birth order. In previous years, there was research that disputed the impact of birth order. Yet, its popularity remained unaffected.

So, is birth order a fad, that’s here today and gone tomorrow? I hope not. Birth order may not be fashionable. But that doesn’t diminish its power and influence.

A child’s birth order has a lasting impact on personality, interests, and even career choice.

Yet, we must consider the impact of birth order within the context of a child’s family. If not, then it has no potency.

Let me explain.

Family size, a child’s gender, sibling gender, and the age between siblings impact birth order. Family illness or death also impacts birth order.

Once you know these variables it’s easy to predict your personality and life path.

Let’s try a couple of scenarios and see how you go with some predictions.

Case study #1

Max is a twelve and the eldest child in his family. Both his parents are busy professionals. His father is a first born out of four child and his mother was born between an elder and younger sister.

Max has one sibling. A sister Ruby who is ten years of age.

So what are Max and Ruby like?

If you said Max is a low-risk taker, academic, and achievement-oriented, you’re spot on. He’s also nervous. He is a typical first-born boy who lives with pressure.

He is likely to follow the family path and become a professional, possibly in law, accounting, or teaching.

Like many first-born kids he introverted and serious by nature as it goes with the territory.

What about Ruby?

Remember the first rule of the sibling road is that first and second children will be different. This is particularly true when they are close in age.

Ruby is an outgoing, fun-loving girl who loves to tease her brother because she knows she’ll get a rise out of him.

She loves sport of most kinds and often beats her brother in outdoor games. Max has academics and responsibility covered. Ruby has gone down the sporty, rule bending path. This way, they avoid competing for the most precious of all parent resources — positive attention and approval.

Max and Ruby are copy book examples of a two-child family where a boy comes first followed by a girl.

Let’s look at a different scenario.

Case Study #2

Eighteen-year-old Tina has three siblings. A sister Ella (16), a brother Rob (10) and younger brother Mark (3).

At six, Tina received an autism spectrum diagnosis. Due to academic struggles, she left school at sixteen and took on a full-time retail position. She keeps to herself and has few interests outside of music.

Ella is the functional first born in the family. Responsibility has always come her way. She’s studious and spends a great deal of time with her father. He is hoping she will take over the family business one day. Ella is also very popular at school with a wide circle of friends, which is a trait shared by second born children.

Third born Rob, shares many personality traits with Ella. He’s a very responsible, well-mannered boy and a very low risk-taker. In some ways Rob is the forgotten child in the family.

Three-year-old Mark is the runt of the litter. A birth order personality doesn’t form until around seven years of age. He’s too young to have formed a fully-fledged birth order personality.

But, early signs suggest he is very different from his brother. He’s smiley and very outgoing, and he’s good at putting his siblings in his service. He knows how to get his own way as he can outlast and out whine any of his siblings who always give into him to get some peace. Determination and persuasion are fast becoming Mark’s signature traits.

This is a quick snapshot of Tina’s family. Tina’s family dynamics differ from Max’s. Once you know the context, birth order makes sense.

First born Tina has special needs, which means parents look to second born Ella to be the responsible one. Ella is the first born, and all their hopes and dreams go towards her.

There’s a 6-year gap between Ella and Rob, so the family starts again. Rob is the eldest of the small family consisting of Mark and himself.

Mark is the youngest of four, so he is in the ‘lucky position.’ There’s little parental pressure. His parents are more experienced and lenient. He has three siblings and two parents above him. If elder kids want parental approval, youngest kids want attention and will go to great lengths to get it.

How birth order matters

Your birth order position is one of three family variables. It makes up your personality and contributes to your life path.

The first variable is temperament. It is the personality imprint you got from your parents. This doesn’t change very much over time.

The second variable to consider is the family frame. Your family values and the imprint of your family’s atmosphere make it up. Siblings reveal the family frame through their shared similarities. If all children in a family are high achievers, excellence and ambition were part of the family frame.

The subtle differences between siblings is indicative of the third variable — birth order. For instance, if the eldest child in a family is the quiet achiever then the second born will be the rowdy rebel. That’s the influence of birth order.

What’s your birth order story?

Every family has its own birth order story. When you understand the fundamentals of birth order, you can discover your own story. You can also learn about your partner and children.

It’s fascinating.

What you discover about yourself, your family, and those around you will blow you away.

Want to know more?

If you want to learn how birth order affects you, your kids and others in your life, there are several steps you can take.

1. Subscribe to my regular newsletter and get regular updates about birth order. You’ll also get updates about plenty of other topics about parenting and education.

2. Read the book and/or listen to the audio.

3. Register your interest in an Understanding Birth Order course in the comments section. If there’s enough interest, I’ll create a course and you’ll be the first to know about it.