Every Parent’s Struggles - Every Day Tools.
Time, Siblings, Behaviour, Anxiety, Independence.
This is the first article in the Parenting Toolbox Sunday series, in which I explore parenting in a sometimes deeper, often different way.
As a columnist, author, and writer for the education sector, my work has always been practical and purposeful but dictated by publishers' editorial demands. The Parenting Toolbox newsletter fits that bill perfectly. The Sunday series is free of those editorial demands, allowing me to write differently about various issues. Don’t worry. There’s plenty of parenting gold below.
Why Sunday?
I figure you have more time for yourself than midweek when it’s rush, rush, skim, skim.
Read on.
Parenthood is a state of mind as much as an activity. It’s an identity that takes time for some people to grow into.
I’ve seen my three adult children grow into parenting, much as I did four decades ago.
A significant part of the parenting mindset involves accepting that there will always be some struggle. This is beneficial because growth occurs through struggle:
No Hardship. No Learning. No Growth.
Good intentions won’t get you through your parenting struggles. Learning and applying new tools is the key.
Of course, when you overcome one challenge, a new one takes its place; such is the nature of the parenting experience. So you are always learning and adding to your toolbox.
These five struggles are universal but only sometimes given recognition.
Time
Lack of time to do everything you want as a parent is a modern phenomenon.
Two decades ago, Quality time was a popular parenting concept. This was a simplistic solution to a complex issue.
What makes up quality time? Is some time spent in the company of children better than other times? Is dressing a toddler less valuable than playing with a toddler? Is time spent driving a teen to a friend’s house a different quality than listening to music together? Does high quality make up for a low quantity of time?
It doesn’t make sense.
Looking at time spent with kids through the relationship lens, it becomes clear how to allocate time. If you want a relationship with a child, the key is to enjoy one-on-one time with them. It matters little what you do with each other but that you’ve been in each other’s company, whether playing, eating together or walking to school. It’s how children learn about you, and you learn about your child, their interests, personality, and fears.
First-born and last-born children frequently spend more time one-on-one with a parent than a middle child, so you must be organised or sneaky to ensure that you spend time with this cohort.
One-on-one time is one of the keys to strong relationships between parents and kids.
Siblings.
Question: What’s causes sibling fighting?
Answer: Having more than one child.
Sibling fighting, arguing, and squabbling are part of the parenting story. Not all siblings fight, but most do at some stage in their relationship. It varies between girls and boys, with the former being more verbal and the latter more physical, as a rule of thumb.
I’ve held seminars, written countless articles, and even written a book on sibling rivalry and the subsequent conflict, but I do not recommend focusing on fighting to parents. It’s a better use of your energy to build strong family connections and a strong family.
Rituals and downtime are vital to building close, harmonious families. Family rituals such as shared mealtimes, celebrations and the unique ways you come together help bond people—families break down when rituals are absent.
Downtime is the unorganised time when family members are at home together for no particular purpose. Samoan families, like many Polynesian families, are incredibly close. Their strong bonds are attributed to family members spending a lot of time together just enjoying each other’s company. In the highly structured lives of today’s Western families, downtime is a rare commodity, so cherish it when it happens.
Behaviour
When I began my career as a parenting educator four decades ago, parenting education was the code for behaviour management. Most people who attended a parenting program wanted to know how to raise cooperative, respectful, well-behaved kids.
Parenting education is way more varied now, but poor behaviour remains a core issue for parents.
Who doesn’t enjoy it when your child cooperates with you? No arguing. No procrastination.
I’ll take two of those kids, most parents say.
One of my favourite tools for combating poor behaviour and teaching kids how to behave in the moment is the “Quiet Word.”
When your child is less than perfect in public or in private, go close enough for you to talk in hushed tones, touch their shoulder, get down to their level, and let them know that you disapprove of their behaviour and tell them how to behave.
Choose your time and place. If they are angry and upset, let them calm down independently before having a quiet word.
Anxiety
In my 2019 book Anxious Kids, coauthored with Dr Jodi Richardson, I outlined many reasons why childhood anxiety is going through the roof, including more anxious parents, tight schedules, lack of free play, high expectations and more. Now, you can add COVID-19 lockdowns and social media to this list.
There are many tools parents can teach their kids to help them manage their anxiety, including deep breathing, emotional regulation, spending time in nature, exercise, mindfulness and more complex tools such as meditation and diffusion.
But the best tool is giving your child a Mega-dose of Independence (thanks to the Anxious Generation for this term).
Independence reduces anxiety by exercising the psychological muscles needed to counteract stress. Most importantly, it builds confidence by exposing individuals to real-life situations unrelated to their fears. For example, if someone fears the dark, they could be asked to walk to the shop to get some milk.
Overall, exposure to new situations involving challenges helps build resilience, confidence, resourcefulness, flexibility, and the ability to take intelligent risks.
Independence
Your job as a parent is to make yourself redundant.
Yep, your job is to work your way out of a job. It’s always been the way and always should be.
We’re failing badly.
There are many reasons for this, but we’ve forgotten that our crucial task is to build children’s independence from the earliest possible age. As families have shrunk, we’ve taken on many tasks that kids can do for themselves. If you have a neuro-diverse child, your task is still to build their independence from the earliest possible age. You may need a more nuanced toolbox, but your goal is the same.
Want to benchmark your independence-building? Check out how you're faring in one of my most popular articles.
Teaching is the best independence tool. My modus operandi for teaching goes like this:
You watch me.
You help me.
I’ll help you.
I’ll watch you.
This method can be applied to anything, from tidying a bedroom to cooking a meal to walking to school on your own.
There you go—five struggles, six tools. Here’s a recap to make it easy to remember—it is Sunday, after all.
Sunday series recap
Five struggles Tools
Time One-on-one time.
Siblings Family rituals and downtime.
Behaviour Quiet word.
Anxiety Independence (the more anxious, the bigger the dose).
Independence Teaching.
I hope you enjoyed the first of the Parenting Toolbox Sunday series. Please share it with others who may benefit from its wisdom.
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